... Counting my blessings

(Note: This isn't exactly a bouncy-typical Amy type of post. But this is me and this is my heart, and it's what I have to give you today. I'll be back to business as usual tomorrow with my final *sniff* CA vacation post!)


Hi, friends! Happy Wednesday:)

Boy, has this been a week for me. I am an emotional train wreck (poor Jon, I know). I am exhausted, and it's only Wednesday. Methinks it's time to take a deep breath drink a glass of wine and count my blessings.

It's been rolling around in my mind for a while now that I need to write a post about the emotional ups & downs of marathon training -- and marathon tapering, which has been a whole new beast all together.

This coming Sunday, October 16, is the Columbus Marathon. I have been training for almost 6 months, and have put more than 400 miles in. I have had blisters between my toes, and learned *the hard way* that Gu does not agree with my tummy. I have taken ice baths, and crawled out of bed at sinful hours to put in long mileage before work.

... And through this, I have grown. I say with certainty that I am not the same person I was when I started this journey. Everyone has their own demons that they battle in their life -- those dark forces that seek to steal your joy and take away your feelings of self worth. For me (and this is hard for me to put into words, so bear with me) -- the demon taunts me that I am not enough. Not good enough, not dedicated enough, not strong enough... Earlier this year, my heart decided that it had had enough, and, in a moment of reckless spontaneity, I signed up to run a marathon.

Throughout the course of marathon training, I fell in love with running, I fell in love with my amazing training partners, and I fell back in love with me. The long mileage has forced me to come face-to-face with myself.... to judge, to distance myself and look with new eyes and find ... me. I am not (by any stretch of the imagination) flawless, but I am tenacious, I am willing and I am strong. I have found strength in my spirit that I always hoped I might have. ...I have taken that leap of faith and become the woman that inspires me.

...I have come so far. ...And this Sunday's race will just be icing on the cake. The "end" of a beautiful journey. I know that I do not need to cross the finish line to grow and heal -- I've all ready done that. This journey... the most physically & mentally challenging I've encountered yet... has proved to me beyond a doubt that I am enough.

But, even though I know that it's the journey -- not the destination that is the most important, I'm kind of invested in this. At this point, not being able to run my race on Sunday would be nothing short of heartbreaking.

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So, now I have a story for you. (Hint: you aren't going to believe this -- and it is, in fact, the reason I've been avoiding writing for a couple days.)

This past Saturday when I was up in Toledo helping Laurie move into her new apartment (which is gorgeous, btw...), I stepped off a concrete step the wrong way and rolled my ankle.

Frankly, I roll my ankles all the time when I'm running... most of the time it happens because I'm running next to a friend on a narrow strip of sidewalk... Ooopsie-- no big deal. ...But this was a heck of a roll --the pain knocked the wind out of me. I immediately tried to save face walk it off... but I was limping... and becoming scared. When we got inside I took a look at it, and it was definitely swelling. But I iced, compressed and took my NSAIDs (heh. Laurie, are you proud?) diligently, and did my best to remain positive.

...It was when my ankle was still sore and swollen yesterday that I panicked. ...I had a miniature meltdown in my office at lunchtime, and followed that up with a call to Dr. Bright (MiT doctor extraordinaire.) I hadn't run since last Thursday and I was worried about going back out too soon and really getting hurt. Thankfully, Dr. Bright's staff was able to fit me in this morning in between appointments.

It's not a stretch to say that I had about a bazillion thoughts racing through my mind as I sat waiting to be seen by the doctor. Finally, as I sat trembling (nerves, not coffee... I made sure to drink decaf this morning!) I threw my hands up in the air and turned my face to the heavens, "Thy will be done."

The doctor walked in sometime after that, and after turning this way and pushing that way, gently pressing and asking, "Does this hurt?" ("No.... Nope. ...No.... Yoww.") He gave me the verdict: buy a good ankle brace and take it easy, but by all means, run the marathon. ...And then he shook my hand and left.

I am so thankful.

... After that, the rest of the day has been... well, long. I'm worn out. Lunch with my friend (since forever high school) Bethany was a definite high point ... but there have been some pretty low points, too. Life goes on.

My wake-up moment of the afternoon came when I received an email from my husband, telling me that he spent his morning driving a couple of friends to the hospital after they learned that 2 of their friends had been involved in a terrible motorcycle accident last night. After I read his email, I just sat quietly for a few moments, my heart breaking for the families of these two young men. And all I could think was "Why?" Why am I so lucky today while these others are hurting so deeply? ... I am indeed blessed, and today the gravity of that grace is weighing heavily on me. How small I am, and how small my problems are.

... Yet... how big my God is. And so tonight I will press forward, knowing that in Him, I am enough, and I am strong enough. I will pour a glass of wine and not stress about my marathon training, and I will kiss my kitties more & hug Jon a little longer than usual.

And on Sunday I will run my marathon, as a celebration of life: for the overcoming of the demons, for love, for the everyday triumphs of the human spirit.

...For me. For Life.

Travel Diaries Day 4, part i: Muir Woods

(alternate post title) Spiritual Homecoming among the Redwoods


Welcome to my 2011 CA Vacation mini-series. ...Jon & I spent a week in San Francisco & Wine Country during September, and slowly but surely it is my pleasure to relive the memories & share our stories with you, one post at a time!

On Wednesday morning, Jon & I woke early(ish) to breakfast, pack the car and head off on the second leg of our journey -- to San Francisco!

... But before we got to San Francisco, we took a little side trip. When I was in CA in 2005, I got the opportunity to visit Muir Woods, and I remembered it being a very spiritually-filling experience. ... And add to that: for Jon & I, being in the woods is kind of "our thing".

While we don't camp in the woods or scale the most strenuous trails, I think our hearts just feel at home in the woods ♥

Ever since we started dating, walking in the woods has been a special, bonding time for us. ...We walked together in Blendon Woods that summer evening in 2001 when I finally confessed my feelings for him. ...And in the summer of 2008, on a trail in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee, Jon got down on his knee and asked me to marry him.

So... walking in the woods together is kind of sacred to us. ...And 'visit Muir woods' was on my list of *Must Do's * (...along with... you know, visit Ghiradelli Square. ... Feed your soul, feed your tummy. Priorities, people ;)

Our visit did not disappoint.

And our reverent moments together in Muir woods this September are memories I will treasure in my heart for years to come.

Peace is such a nebulous concept ... one that I feel I've been pursuing relentlessly for ages now. But there's just something about being out in the woods, soaking up the loud silence of nature that brings me *thismuch* closer to finding it. Something within me just clicks, and my very soul heaves a sigh of relief. It's as if, in those stolen moments of stillness, everything is right ... and I am so much more me than I ever allow myself to be in the vivacious blur of 'the real world'.

Even though our time was limited (we ached to stay, but were anxious about driving through city traffic in peak hours...) we took away so much:

... the warmth & fellowship of community. Standing with people from all cultures and looking up, in awe, at the majesty of the great trees....

...the heart-rending recognition of 'smallness' of "us", humbled by the vastness of the universe...

... and, somehow, a renewed sense of purpose. A grounding peace and courage to move forward. Confidence in the fact that, despite all the roadblocks, life is beautiful.

Every second as we wandered quietly, hand in hand, I fell a little bit more in love: with Jon, who knows & loves my heart better than anyone else ever could; with nature, and it's beautiful routines and anomalies; and with The God who breathed it all into existence.

It was absolutely time well spent. ...Perhaps the greatest 'side-trip' of my life. ♥

"Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul."
-John Muir

Stay tuned for Day 4 part ii (tomorrow morning!) ... I just felt that I could do this vacation day more justice by breaking it up :) Tomorrow -- San Francisco!!

Challenge II, D10: Finally home

(photo credit)

Be still and know that I am God

Be still and know that I am

Be still and know that I

Be still and know that

Be still and know

Be still

Be

::Psalm 46:10::

So I'm standing in the kitchen tonight, washing dishes from the day and unloading and reloading the dishwasher.

Gracie is chirping at me from her favorite perch on top of the refrigerator, and the oven is rhythmically clicking as our dinner bakes. The timer counts down 15:36, 15:35, 15:34 ...

I hear Jon moving upstairs.

I pause to look out the window in front of me, onto the softly twilit world. I hear crickets singing, and feel a soft, fragrant breeze waft across my face, kissing my eyelashes.

I breathe. In. Out.

And I realize, in this very moment, I am finally home. This is what my heart was aching for all those months when I was searching ... not even knowing what to ask for.

A Perfect peace.

Perfect comfort.

And my heart beats, Thank You, thank You, thank YOU... for this one complex, hard, uniquely wonderful & excruciatingly beautiful life ♥

Challenge II, D2: A Change of Plans

The main problem with being a classic "Type A" (which, if you haven't figured out by now, I most definitely AM) is that life rarely follows a formula. And it's even more of a rarity that life will follow your plans 100% of the time. ...And if there's one thing we "Type A's" don't do well, it's budgeting in some breathing room for those inevitable curves in the road.

However, I would contend that some of the best things in my life came about because of a change in plans :) And the "Type A" in me will just have to put that thought on her list; learn it, own it, and love it.

Today has been a perfect example of the universe reminding me that I cannot plan everything out; and of God reminding me He's still in charge, and it's all good.

The day just started out with a delightful change of plans for me. It began at 4:45 am with a spectacular thunderstorm, and, consequently the delay of our group's planned 5 mile run. This meant that I was able to crawl back into bed and snuggle with Jon & the kitties for another 2 hours. Heaven.

And this evening my plans to cook a multi-step vegetarian feast took a detour when my friend Heather invited me to join her to make up for our missed morning miles. 5 hot, sweaty, exhausting miles later, (I promise to never sugar-coat running for you. It is wonderful, but some days are really hard) the last thing I wanted to do was crawl home and spend a couple hours in the kitchen. So, instead, I crawled home & ate a popsicle, took a nice long shower to wash off the 2 tons of sweat that had accumulated on my body (blech), and now I'm munching on a couple pieces of BBQ chicken pizza that Jon saved for me and spending some quality time with my favorite blogging buddy, Gracie. And this is just lovely. I am so proud that Heather and I persevered this evening in less-than-ideal running conditions. And while preparing an elaborate meal lifts my heart and brings me peace, tonight I think my soul was craving some time to just sit and be quiet.

And so I will oblige it.

I think often of the woman I want to be... and if I could sum it up in one word, it would be this: grace. I want to be the woman who exudes calm & comfort. The woman who is capable and un-flappable. A woman you just want to be with. And I know that in order to become this woman I need to let go. I need to dream and plan, but then step back and say, "I've given this my best, what will be will be."... And mean it. I need to step out from the shadow of my own expectations, so that I can rejoice in the beauty of reality.

I need to let go. Unclench my iron grip on lists and plans, and hold open my hands for the blessings to come.


I've always loved this quote, and it seems only appropriate that I share it with you tonight:

"Every­thing hap­pens for a rea­son, peo­ple change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appre­ci­ate them when they’re right, and some­times good things fall apart so bet­ter things can come together."
- Mar­i­lyn Monroe

Your Turn: What is something in your life that hasn't turned out exactly how you might have expected it... but in it's own right, much better than you could have dreamed?

Wrangling: {Colorado, part II}

"And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything."

~William Shakespeare

It's been a long week. A good week, but a long one.

Proportionally, just as it took me a little bit longer to wake up and get going this morning (um: jet lag is no joke, guys. It's midnight and I'm still going strong. Which, you know, shouldn't be a big deal, being a Friday and all. But I'm old a *mature* adult who needs 8+ hours of sleep ...& this is quite abnormal for me.); it has taken me until now to really process things to the point where I can sit down and write about it.

But as I sit here, cradling a cup of coffee and listening to the cats chase each other happily, their paws thudding softly on the wood floor, I realize I am finally there. So I write.

I'm not sure when I first realized this, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I feel closest to God when I am outside. In fact, to take this one step deeper, I believe (also beyond a shadow of a doubt) that I may be the best version of myself when I am outside. Something inside me just settles, opens, clicks into place; breathing, "this is right." ...And there's just something about being up in the mountains, up in the quiet, raw, vastness of creation that makes His presence just that much more undeniable.

For several months now, my dreams have taken me, consistently and continually, to the west. Reds & browns; rich, strong wood and cool turquoise stone; these visual expressions of my soul made it onto the pages of my illustrated dream journal time and time again. Now I know why.

All this time my heart and soul were reaching forward, preparing for revival... renewal... redemption.

It's been a season of unrest for me; a season of frustration and pain, of seeking and coming up lost time & time again. I've spent so much time & energy wondering 'what if?' and searching for answers. I was worn out.

Then this past Wednesday I found myself in the Rocky Mountains.

I found myself profoundly moved as I experienced true beauty. And I found my heart feeling so full that even as words failed me, my soul raised it's arms to the heavens in praise, every fiber of my being reverberating "Thank you."

I found myself feeling treasured, and loved and enough ... even as I was humbled by the grandeur of the landscape surrounding me...awed by the smallness I felt in the midst of it all.

I did not find solutions to the equations that often spin through my brain, keeping me awake & aching into the wee hours of the night. I found something better.



I found peace.

I believe that there is a subtle magnetism in Nature, which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright.

~Henry David Thoreau