Conquering Cap City 5.5.2012

On May 5, I ran my fastest half marathon to date, smashing my goal of 2:25 with a 2:23:11 finish. I am, of course, deliriously happy with my results :) I'm in awe of what my body and (perhaps more importantly) my mind can do. Last summer's marathon training helped me to stretch and grow as a person ... and this spring's training helped me to grow as a runner.

A little back story:

I completed my first marathon on October 17. On October 18, I spent the day on the couch wondering
Will my muscles ever recover?
"What's next?

In the infinite wisdom (Smile; Sigh. Head pat to younger self.) of my early 20's, I had penciled out a "Baby Bucket List" (i.e.: things do do before my husband and I decided to start having babies), containing items such as "Visit Europe" (Stay tuned!), "Keep a garden" (meh.), and ..."Run a marathon". Running a marathon had always been on my radar of things to do.... but the emphasis was on A marathon. ... Just one would be good enough...

...And then I started thinking about it. Maybe, just maybe I had another marathon in me. ...I thought about it for a couple of days, and finally, when the idea just wouldn't lessen its hold on my heart, I ran it (pun intended) by my sounding board and best running friend, Heather. Her response, a cheerful "Sure!" ...And there it was :)

Our next course of action was to pick a goal race for the spring season. There are about "a bazillion + 2" great options for spring races (Glass City, Flying Pig, Pittsburgh, and Cap City, to name a few) but for me there was only ever 1 choice: the Cap City Half Marathon, in good old Columbus. 3 years ago, before I got married, I registered for Cap City as my first half marathon. My goal was to run the half, and meet up with my parents (who would be walking the 5k) at the finish line. ...And then life intervened. Between juggling a new job, planning a wedding, living in the same city as Jon for the first time in years, and just generally trying to settle into post-college life, half marathon training just didn't happen. At the packet pick-up I swallowed my pride and asked to switch to the 5k.

 ...So, Cap City & I have a history, you could say. And I knew 2012 was my year to go back and prove to myself that I could do it.

Starting in January, I put my heart into training; logging weekday morning miles, and, eventually adding Wednesday night speed-work into the mix. To my absolute shock, I LOVE speed work ( fine. I don't love all of it. I prefer the shorter repeats: Yasso 800's and ladder workouts. 2 mile repeats intimidate the pants off of me...) I love pushing myself and seeing what my body is really capable of. I love hitting that magical 'comfortably hard' cadence where your body just settles into this higher tier of effort.


It's magical.

And ... it worked. Slowly but surely Heather & I watched our Saturday morning long run splits tick down. ... 10 seconds here, 10 seconds there. We set our sights on a 2:30 half marathon.

 As the weeks passed and our long runs continues to go well, I began to wonder: could I run faster than 2:30? My (actual) first half marathon time (and, to this point, my PR) was 2:27:05. I was feeling cautiously optimistic, as, during a 13 mile training run, Heather and decided to go ahead and do a 13.1 mile "benchmark run"... and (pushing the pace a little) I finished with a garmin time of 2:30. Heather and I had registered for the Earth Day Challenge 1/2 Marathon on April 22, and I decided to let that "training run" decide my next steps. Earth Day was, in fact, a challenge with a long hill 1/2 a mile into the course and rolling hills for the 4 miles after that ... but the weather was perfect (a crisp 50ish)... and I banged out a 2:28:11.

The morning of Cap City found me bouncing out of bed (and bee-lining downstairs to the coffee pot) with the following race goals:

• A: 2:25 
• B: Under 2:27:05 
• C: Finish upright :) 

 Friends ... the stars just aligned right for me that Saturday. I got the race morning that I was hoping for on the day of my marathon (remember my timing snafu & me racing to the start line with Tracy?!) Jon & I arrived downtown around 6:30 and met up with MiT in the hotel around 6:35. I got to use a *real bathroom*, with *real toilet paper*, and walk through downtown Columbus with at least a hundred of my "friends"... the people I had trained with for weeks. I got to hug Jon goodbye & use the bathroom (nerves) one last time before I smooshed myself into corral D and prepared for the start.

And after that, it's kind of a blur. I remember starting fast, because I knew I needed to in order to run my best race. I remember chatting with various friends as I ran bits & pieces of the race with different people. I remember feeling a bit panicked and exhausted (& out of breath!) at mile 2. (Hah, wish I was kidding on that last bit ;) ... But as soon as I caught up with the 2:25 pace team at mile 8 (2:25's were in corral C!), it was all worth it. I knew I had it. ... And if I could bottle up that feeling, I think it could keep me going for the rest of my life. From there on out it was just a matter of hanging on.

And hang on I did. I was so excited & proud those last 5 miles. ... I practically boo-hooed my way to the finish (I didn't, for the sake of conserving energy!) I remember running down the final stretch & seeing Jon, shouting, "I think I've got it!!" ... And then, after the final effort, raising my hands in victory as I crossed the finish line.

Not every run is a good one ... and not every race is your best. We take the hard races and file them away in our experience banks, taking comfort in the fact that we are still standing, still moving forward... there is hope for the future. And the good races: they empower us. They make all the hard work...the sweat, the tears, the hard days ... worth it.

"Achieve": My first marathon

(All of these pictures are from my parents--thank you so much for being there for me & capturing my special day on film!! ♥)

On October 16, I ran my first marathon.



To say it was a long road to get here would be an understatement :)

...But then again, “It was everything I hoped & dreamed it might be” would also be an understatement.

I do apologize that it’s taken me so long (you know, about a month ;) to write up the recap, but, honestly... it’s taken a while to process ... really, life changing events are prone to do that. And I wanted to give my story justice.

Before I really delve into my story though, I’d like to say this:

Thank you.

Thank you with everything I am. ... While this was an intensely personal journey, it was not one I took on by myself. Over the past few months I have been surrounded and uplifted in a way that I could have never imagined. My network (including Jon, my parents, my in-laws, my sisters ♥, my coworkers, my MiT friends, my best friends from high school and college, and you my wonderful blog friends... most of whom I have never met) made this experience for me. My network believed in me with unwavering faith. My network cheered me on and hugged me on the bad days, and celebrated with me over the good. My network held me accountable to myself.

...As you read this, please know that even if I do not mention you by name, my heart has kept a record of all the grace and love you have extended to me. ...I am humbled and overwhelmed by the precious care my soul has received, and your support means more to me than I could ever put into words. ♥



I trained with MiT for 5 months and hundreds of miles, but the journey really started long before that. At the end of last year I was dealing (not particularly well) with not so wonderful things. After months of walking in the darkness, I knew I needed a change ... and out of that desperation came the courage to make a huge change-- a huge commitment. I signed up to run a marathon. (You can read more about the beginning of the journey here.)

The personal growth I experienced during this time was absolutely phenomenal.

And while I knew, logically, that completing the marathon was just the proverbial “icing on the cake”, I had a real scare when I sprained my ankle a mere 8 days before the marathon. I prayed, I panicked, and I went to the doctor. ... and (thank God) got the “all clear” to run. The rest of the week was spent resting, icing, and attempting to mentally prepare myself for “the big day”.



The morning of the marathon started very early for me... Somewhere around 4 am. I rolled promptly out of bed (no need to kid myself, I was wide awake!) and began the morning routine I had perfected through many weekend long runs. Dress; (feed cats); coffee & peanut butter toast for breakfast; pack up fuel belt (gatorade in bottles, phone, salt & fig newtons in the pocket); lube feet & put on running shoes ... metal pep-talks continuously through the process ;)

Soon, Jon & I were in the car, picking up my running buddy Tracey & heading downtown.

I am so glad I had Tracey with me :) She helped calm my nerves and get me pumped up on the drive over. Furthermore, when we ran into some horrific traffic downtown (Bah. Seriously. We sat on the “off ramp” for over 20 minutes before we finally got out of the car and walked to the hotel.), she kept me upbeat and positive. ...I don’t know what I would have done without her at this point. Really, I don’t.

MiT had booked a ballroom in a hotel close to the starting line, and I was really looking forward to relaxing with my everyone (including my “running girls” that I had been training with in the morning, who were NOT running the Columbus marathon...) and using a real bathroom before being shuttled over to the starting line. ..Well, basically, between the traffic we got stuck in and the shuttle leaving early, we missed meeting up with the group.

...At this point I think I said “I’m so glad we’re together” about every other breath. Truth is, if I had been by myself, I probably would have sat down & cried. We used the hotel bathrooms (which were out of tp, but thankfully not paper towels ... I’m sure that was *awesome* for the septic system, haha) and headed over to the starting line.

The amount of people there was completely overwhelming (our corral was really crowded!), and again, I was SO happy to be with a friend.



Before we knew it, we were off! ...I think we smiled the entire first 10 miles :) It was a gorgeous day (deliciously crisp & cool; with clouds but no rain), and it just felt so good to be out and moving. We ran joyfully through the streets, chatting, singing along with the bands (and, maybe even dancing a little bit ;), complimenting creative race signs & drawing an almost supernatural strength from the crowds.

When I saw Jon at mile 5, I was practically skipping :) Feeling strong and loving every second! I was *doing * it!! ... Holy moly this was actually happening! ... I was running a (bleep)ing marathon!! (Heh. Sometimes only strong word can express the magnitude of a situation :) When I saw my girls (Dana, Heather & Stacy) at mile 10, I gave each of them a big, sweaty hug.

Unfortunately, it was a little after we passed the girls that I got a reality check. We hadn’t been running for more than 5 minutes after that that we saw a runner down; a man, passed out cold in the middle of the street with blood dripping down his temple. I’m not sure when it happened, but people were mobilizing to get him help—running toward him, calling in help on cell phones. ... It was an extremely sobering moment. After we passed I told Tracey (voice quavering), “That was definitely something I never wanted to see.” ...She agreed.



Needless to say, we were a bit more quiet and reflective after that. ...And actually, at mile 14 things started to get a little rough for me. ...I think, honestly, that after the extreme high of the beginning of the race followed by such a frightening & sad “crash back into reality” I was a little worn out. ...This was the part where I needed to start digging deep.

Mile 15 was a good one though, as I got to see both Jon, and my friend Kaitie. I hugged them both & let them know how much it meant to me to have them there – I really needed “my people” at mile 15 ♥

Unfortunately, once I passed mile 15, I entered into what was the hardest part of the race for me. ...Which I was definitely not expecting. In preparation for my marathon, I read numerous race re-caps from other bloggers... all of which seemed to indicate that mile 17 was the turning point. ...Fellow MiTer’s told me time and again, ”your marathon starts at mile 20.” ... As you could guess, I was a little discouraged when I started experiencing some (significant) pain.

... Because I know I would curious, I’ll tell you that while I’m still not sure what on earth the problem was, I was having issues with my bladder (sorry... lovely, right?! If anyone ever tells you that running is a glamorous sport, they are seriously deluded.). ...At first, I thought maybe it was (um) “lady cramps”... but I soon determined that was not the case. Tracey and I trained with a 4:1 run:walk Galloway method ... and the starting & stopping began to cause me some problems. ...By the time the pain got down to a manageable level, it was time to walk again... and the jarring when we started back up was Bad. News.

I think (now that I look back) I’d had hints of this problem during some of my other long runs... but never anything like this. (Full disclosure: there were multiple points during these miles where I doubted my ability to finish.... luckily, I didn’t give in to those thoughts.)

... I visited every single porta-potty between miles 15 and 20, and just generally felt miserable... but we pressed on.




Thank God for mile 20.

Although I wasn’t ready to speak it out loud (for fear of it not coming true), I just had this feeling in my heart that if I could make it to mile 20, I could finish. Mile 20 was not only for significant for the mile-marker... but because my parents were there. ...And, for heaven’s sake, I think that no matter how old I get, seeing my mommy when I don’t feel good just seems to make everything better.

Also, to see & hug my father was a needed boost, too. I talked a little bit here about how we have bonded over a mutual love of exercise, and I knew from the beginning of this journey—without him even having to say anything—how proud of me he was. ... And that means a lot :)

Anyway... after a lengthy mile 20 stop (to refuel with gatorade, water, powerbar chewies & plenty of hugs), we were off again to the next bathroom on the final leg of our journey.




As my co-worker (and experienced marathoner) Larry told me, “...there comes a point in the marathon where you start making deals with yourself. ... Anything it takes to get to the finish.” ... And there was quite a bit of deal-making in those last 6 miles. ...I remember it hurt and I was just getting awfully tired at that point, but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. ...I blasted “You & I” again and again, and pretended my Uncle Joe was running with me through the OSU campus (which was disappointingly desolate). ... I visualized how it was going to feel to finally cross that finish line. ...I prayed.

...And somewhere around mile 21, the pain lessened (perhaps as a result of this elusive runner’s high I’ve heard of?) ... And (wonder of wonders!) I picked up the pace. It wasn’t pretty, but I cruised along relatively happily until mile 23—where I got a pep talk from Larry (aforementioned co-worker and marathoner – he completed the half-marathon that day!) ... And then it was a 5k “home stretch”.

(Hellooo... evidence of my amazing recovery post-mile 20.)

I don’t remember too much from those last few miles (I must have been ‘in the zone’), but a few memories do shine out through the fog. I remember saying “thank you” to the off-duty officers who were directing traffic... I remember having a conversation with an older gentleman who told me gleefully that “this was HIS first marathon, too!” ... I remember passing a group of people & hearing a man cheer, “Go, Amy!”, and thinking (a) gosh that sounds like Dan (a gentleman in our MiT running group who was especially kind & reassuring to me on my first day with them) and (b) I bet it’s not him – I must be hallucinating {Sigh. Later I found out that it was indeed Dan, and then I felt like a jerk for not turning around to recognize him & talk to him. Drat. Note to self: Next time, always turn around.}

Finally, I found myself on Front Street... the final street before the turn onto Nationwide Blvd & the finish. Here’s where I really started to pick it up. ...First, I heard my mom cheering for me... then I saw my dad with his camera, and then I saw the girls. Dana, Stacy and Heather hopped right out onto the course with me and ran with me those final feet before the turn. I remember running like crazy then, and Dana saying, ”It’s just like home, Amy.” (Awww. ...For the record, I would have cried right then, if I had any extra energy to do so.)

Then I was on Nationwide (which seemed a LOT longer than I was hoping it would be!), and then.... with a chip time of 5:43:59 I crossed the finish line and completed my first marathon.

From there, I navigated through the chute, got my medal & space blanket, almost cried when the photographer said, “You should be so proud... I’m proud of you”... and found Jon. Where, understandably, I lost it :) “Hey... how are you?” He asked through the fence, smiling. “{Sniffle, hic} I’m {hic, hic} so glad {sniff} it’s over!” I sobbed. ...And then I pulled myself together and made it to the reunion area, where I got to hug Jon, my parents & Tracey.

Me, Amanda & Tracey, MiT friends :)

In conclusion: I would definitely rank this among the best days of my life. It was worth everything. ... And it taught me that I am worth it, as well.



The million dollar question is, of course: would I ever do another one?

.
..
...
....

And it can only be answered with a resounding "Yes!"

Thanks again for going on this journey with me. ... I look forward to keeping you updated as my story (as Amy, and as a runner) continues to unfold.

Good Things

"Begin today. Declare outloud to the universe that you are willing to let go of struggle and eager to learn through joy."
~Sarah Ban Breathnach

Happy Sunday, Friends!

It's been such a good weekend for me :) One of those where I felt absolutely present & in love with every moment. I'm loving being home again after spending most of the week across the country; working on homey things and getting things back in order for another week.

Friday evening I brewed up a pot of coffee and stayed up late with Jon as he worked an install. Jon is a software developer and has to work installs (from 11pm-??) periodically. Sometimes I'm able to hang with him, and other times I throw in the towel after about 15 minutes ;) This time, I was able to stay up with him, no problem (blame it on the Denver --> Columbus time change?): he worked, I wrote, and the cats supervised.

Saturday morning we took our time getting up, and spent the majority of the day doing yard work. The weather was absolutely delicious, which made the copious weeding much more bearable. Today was spent worshipping, dreaming, talking to friends & tying up some loose ends in anticipation of the week to come.

To provide you with a full weekend wrap-up, as well as to start the new week on the right foot, I think it's the perfect time for a good list.


Weekend Wrap-Up Good List!

1. Jon. On Saturday, as I was grumbling & sweating in the flower beds, I sat back for a moment to watch my husband working on our lawn. And it occurred to me: 'Here we are, working side-by-side to build our dream home.' All of a sudden, yard work wasn't quite as tedious.
2. Gracie. I really missed my little girl while I was in Colorado. This weekend she's been extra snuggly (heh. and underfoot), which I think means that she missed me, too.
3. Homemaking.
4. Steak on the grill. A perfect treat after a long day of work.

5. Leisurely Sunday brunches.

6. Prompted by the impending expiration date on a groupon, I got my first manicure on Friday. Glorious.
7. Surprises.
8. ^ Okay, I'll spill :) You may remember that I told you Jon & I were planning to go to Las Vegas for this year's vacation. Well, our plans have changed, and couldn't be more excited. Instead of going to "sin city", we're headed out to California: 3 days in Sonoma, and 3 days in San Francisco. Woah… SO excited!
9. Fresh air. We've had our windows open all weekend!
10. "It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy."
~Lucille Ball


Your Turn: How was your weekend? Any exciting adventures coming up for you this week? Do tell!

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P.S.: My lovely friend Hannah is hosting a giveaway over on her blog, for this gorgeous Emile Henry Pie Dish. Head here to check it out!

Wrangling: {Centered}

(A weekly round up. Once weekly, I am going to “wrangle” the past weeks’ happenings into a post filled with pictures, lists & general tidbits about the past 7 days.)

...And, yes, this is totally a Wednesday feature ... Maybe we can think of this as an April Fools' trick -- Surprise! It's Friday! Next week we'll be back to the regular schedule:)

A peek into my life this week:
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh my, I live for lazy weekend mornings. This past weekend was filled with caramel sticky buns (recipe here!), bottomless cups of hot coffee, and leisurely catch-up conversations. Hooray that we're almost to another weekend!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"These Days" (to borrow a phrase from a lovely friend :)

For the past week I've been in a bit of a funk. 2 weeks ago, today, I was riding high: it was a Friday (which never fails to cheer me), and I had finished a whole week of waking early to run & do devotions. I was so proud of myself! I was making positive steps in the right direction ... each day getting a little closer to living my dream. For one hot second, I felt like I had all my (proverbial) balls in the air... and juggling them felt... effortless.

And then the next week they all came crashing down.

Nothing bad happened to cause me to get off track ... life happened. Fatigue pushed, and I didn't push back. I started hitting my snooze button again, and slacking on devotions. ...I knew it wasn't good for me, but, for the life of me, I couldn't manage to get myself out of bed at 5:14... or 5:45 ... or 6:15. Sigh. And the longer I went on like this, the more frustrated I became with myself. ..You know, when you take charge of your life & become the keeper and protector of your dreams, you're really the only one to blame when things start going awry. I felt like I was sabotaging myself. ...Needless to say, this past week was not a great week for my self-esteem.

I haven't talked about it much on the blog, but self-confidence & self-love is something I think about a lot. I think that it's hard not to think about these things (at least sometimes), as we are bombarded daily by both positive (see here!) and negative media influences. I believe that you need to love & respect yourself, so that you can give the best of yourself to others. But we all know that it's one thing to believe in an idea, and another to live it.

I know that what immediately pops into your mind when I say "self-confidence" or "self-esteem" is probably appearance. And while I do deal with periods of self-doubt and negativity about that (i.e.: it was not a good day last week when I shrunk my black "skinny dress pants" in the wash...), for the most part, that doesn't plague me half as much as "life comparison" does. My biggest downfall is when I think, "Boy, she's really got it together..." and I start picking apart my life from there. Rationally, I know that I will never know all the intimate details of someone else's life, and that what I see is, in large part, what they choose to show me. My faith tells me that I am beautiful & unique and loved; perfect in the midst of my imperfections. Yet I falter; and on the darkest days I find myself heartbroken, on my knees and crying out to the universe, "Am I enough?!"

As I "grow up", I am learning how to deal with these situations. It's trial by fire, for sure, but I am learning. I'm learning that it's okay to feel frustrated sometimes, if I allow my feelings to fuel me and push me toward positive changes. I'm learning that sometimes being discontent is a greater power nudging my heart and whispering 'There's something more for you. ... Time to move forward.' ... I decided to let yesterday be the day I turned the corner on my week of "down in the dumps". I'm going to give myself a little grace: no longer dwelling on my failures, but rather, loving myself & paying it forward.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
And now, to pull it all together and wrap this up in true Amy-fashion, here's a Good List for you :)

The "How-I-Pulled-Myself-Out-of-a-Funk" (& other things that just make me happy) Good List:

(Pre-dinner drinks with J. Killians, baby!)

1. Jon, my best friend. Making normal evenings "date night".... chatting together over a drink while we wait for dinner to heat up.

(Most flattering picture ever, hehe. Happy after my run)

2. I came home and went for a tough, but empowering, run yesterday evening. I was determined to sweat out all the 'bad energies' (doesn't that sound very "hippy" of me?) that had been clinging to me for the past week; determined to regain my balance, my center, my focus. I ran my little heart out & returned drained, but peaceful.
And it was good.

3. In the spirit of "loving myself" and paying it forward, I gave myself a manicure last night. Roll your eyes if you must, but having polished fingernails makes me feel a little more polished and together in every aspect of my life. It's the little things that make big differences.

4. Gracie snuggles.

5. Despite the snow that fell Wednesday afternoon and evening, our spring flowers persevere.

6. My present to myself late last week was a frosting bag & tips. (I know this is nerdy of me, but: Squee!!!) This represents so much hope & possibility to me-- I've always wanted to frost the perfect cupcake. I've been stock-piling cupcake recipes from Jenna for who-knows-how-long.... I'm so excited to spend quality time in my kitchen this weekend....

7. {re-focusing} I mapped out my weekend run today. It's a nice little 5k, and I'm excited to run it on Sunday morning!

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8. Okay, so, as some of you probably know, yesterday was Opening Day. (Fine, I admit it, I didn't know until my boss came in wearing a Cincinnati Reds jersey... bosses are allowed to do things like that, even if it isn't casual Friday... or, you know, Friday ;) Anyway, yesterday afternoon while I was working, he turned on the radio to listen to the game. While this might have been annoying to some people, it didn't bother me at all. In fact, hearing "game audio" reminds me of my childhood: late Saturday afternoons in Carlisle. Of course, with Grandpa it was football, not baseball... but for a girl who hears 'game commentary' much like Charlie Brown hears his teachers ("Wop-wah-wah-wah-wohh..")it's pretty much the same thing. I remember the way soft dusk began to fall outside as my grandma bustled around the kitchen, prompting all sorts of warm & wonderful dinner smells to emanate from the kitchen. We would be upstairs 'playing barbies' (Me & Laurie or maybe even Heidi & my other cousins) and the sounds of the game would drift up. I close my eyes and it takes me back instantly ... and the comfort I feel is indescribable; except perhaps by a deep sigh of my heart.

Love that.

(not quite bread quality, but past when I attempt to eat them)

9. I'm sure you know by now that I am not a fan of bananas. ... But banana bread?! Oh my, Yes! These little babies have been patiently ripening in my kitchen (& actually, it looks like they still have a few days to go!)... just waiting for their minute of glory.

10. Remembering and keeping promises to myself.

"There are few experiences in life in which my physical and psychological abilities are as sharply defined as they are during marathon training and racing...The training and racing experiences have shown me sides of myself that I never knew existed. I've found perseverance, an ability to focus, stubbornness, compulsiveness, bravery, organization, a sense of humor, and a capacity for unbridled joy. "

--Gordon Bakoulis Bloch

Hope you are having a fantastic week, friends.
Any good weekend plans? Do tell!

Identity

(circa 1995)

With each passing year, I find that I become a little bit more nostalgic. It seems that with each memory, each trip back in time; the past gets a little more beautiful. Each time I give myself a moment to get lost in my memories, they get a little sweeter. And when I think back to the world of my childhood, it seems like things were a little easier.

(Yeah yeah, I realize that this makes me sound old to say this. ... Three miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways and all that...)

Really, weren't things easier back then? Back when all we had to worry about was whether we had to play dodge ball in gym that week (I HATED gym class...) and whether our mother had packed us raisins for a snack (although, actually I liked raisins, so my life was even simpler!) Back before our eyes were opened to the real drama & "unfairness" that life could dish out. Back when we were confident and unashamedly true to ourselves...

I think the height of my childhood confidence and self awareness came when I was about 9 years old. I didn't pause to think about how the world perceived me, I moved forward with confidence in who I was. I didn't stop to consider whether my dreams were plausible, I knew what I loved, and therefore, I did what I loved.

When I was nine, I was a little nerd, but I loved every single second of it :) I inhaled literature, and treasured my weekly trips to the school library with my class, and my Saturday sojourns to the local library with my Daddy. I loved school because I thought it was interesting, and my friends were there. I loved church because God was there, and we did some really neat crafts during Sunday school.

At home I was a novelist, furiously scribbling on the backside of copy paper, never editing, never striking out text ... I knew it was perfect. I played outside almost daily. I loved to sing, and did so every chance I got: in the children's choir at church, on the playground with my friends at recess, to myself as I went about my chores at home.

I had absolutely no doubt about who I was: 'I am Amy: singer & novelist.' It was as simple as that. I never worried about whether these things were lasting; I was having too much fun living.

And I have to wonder: at what point did I lose this child-like innocence and clarity?

Now, I feel that I am often paralyzed by anxiety and doubt. Sometimes I am driven to do what I do because I feel like it is the responsible (adult?) thing, and because I feel obligated to, not because I love it. I constantly worry about what other think of me (which is hard to admit... but there's no way I can pretend it's not true.) In a lot of ways, it seems that as I have grown older, I have lost my sense of confidence and identity, rather than gaining it. Rather than growing into myself and my potential, I have been stunted by the expectations of society ... or, what I perceive them to be.

...No more.

For this day forward I want to honor the 9 year old Amy that had big hopes; big dreams; big love. I want to blur the line between what I want to be, and what I am. I want to reawaken to the most essential dreams of my heart. And once and for all I want to take back my life and start living it for me.

I know it's a process, and that this is a journey that I'll be on for the rest of my life. But you know what? I'm okay with that. Perhaps for the first time in my life (or at least, for the first time in a painfully long time) I am okay with everything the way it is right now. In fact, while it's not perfect, I love the "right now". AND (and this is hugely important to me) I'm not going to wait any longer. I won't wait until things are perfect to move forward. I don't need to make changes all at once, as long as I keep moving.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves ... Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer."

~Rainer Maria Rilke

On Running ...

(me and bff Saundra, Race for the Cure, circa 2005)

If you've been reading the blog for a while now, you know that my relationship with running is ... in a word, complicated.

A brief history:

I first began to warm to the idea of running for fun when I was in 7th grade. To be honest it actually started with the idea of playing volleyball, which I had deemed to be a totally glamorous sport, and worthy of me trying out for. I mean, I'd always enjoyed playing volleyball in gym class, and I had decided that perhaps it was time for me to start doing something with my life which would perhaps *ehem* move me a wee bit further up the social ladder. (It didn't. Ah, hindsight...)

Believe it or not, I did play volleyball with the 7th grade girls' team during the fall of 1997 (Yikes - almost 14 years ago?! How did that happen?)... and while I do think it was a good and valuable experience to be on the team, I was never particularly good at it.

...In fact, I was pretty awful :)

Nevertheless, 7th grade volleyball did get into my head the idea of exercising on a regular basis, and this lead to joining the track team in the spring of 1998, which is really where my story begins. You see, track was where I first met Coach King, who, more than being a great coach, was a truly beautiful person inside and out. She was a fantastic role model: calm, capable, graceful; able to control 20+ 7th and 8th graders without once raising her voice, and oh, so kind. It was she that inspired me to go out for 8th grade Cross Country... which was where my 'running career' ("distance running career"?) really started. After 8th grade, I continued in Cross Country for 2 years in high school, before life intervened (I got a job babysitting after school :), and from that point out I kind of did my own thing.

Until freshman year of college. ... Until Saundra :)

When I look back, I remember that when I first met Saundra I was totally intimidated. One of the ways I had been defining myself to others, in a Christian group I had gotten involved with like this, "Blah, blah ... and I like to run." ...To which they'd reply, "Ah, have you met Saundra? She's a runner, too... she runs like 8 minute miles.." *gulp*

Side Note: I guess this might be the point at which I tell you that I am not fast at all... Never have been...although I hold out great hope that I can still discipline myself and get faster. I am entering the years of my life with the most athletic potential, so they the magazines tell me.... To give you an idea of what I mean by "not fast", I run a 9-minute mile, if I'm running like my life depends on it. My PR for a 5k is 27:xx, and my PR for the half marathon is 2:27:xx... My (running) goals in life are to run an 8 minute mile and a sub-2 hour half-marathon. ...I digress...

But anyway, I met the girl, and she seemed really nice... so when she asked me to run I put on my big girl panties and accepted. And it was fantastic. And it started a friendship that lasted throughout the rest of college and through today. I believe it will probably last forever :)

Saundra and I ran together several times a week for the rest of freshman year, and when we lived together sophomore year, I was in the best shape of my life. We ran 3x a week, and built up to 10 mile runs together. Together, we explored Toledo neighborhoods, while we worked through problems we were facing, talked "school", shared future dreams, and reveled in the magical newness of budding relationships (It was actually a pivotal 'relationship year' for both of us: she met the man that will soon become her husband, and Jon & I went through some pretty defining stuff as well.)

Because I was an engineer and was working off campus (and for the most part out of state) every other semester, we weren't able to live together after sophomore year, but we still held our weekly long-run dates sacred. But then, college ended, she went off to grad school, and I moved home & was left to do my own thing... And, you know how that's going :)

So, as I look back through my running past, something stands out to me. Each time I began running in earnest (which, consequently, I really enjoyed, and they were some of the best times & memories I have), I did it because I was inspired by a strong, beautiful woman. Which makes makes me feel all the more certain about what I am about to tell you.

As soon as I recognized that I had started to see running as a chore, I knew that I wanted to fall back in love with it. I knew that if I really wanted it to "stick", I couldn't just do it because it was good for me, because I needed to fit into a wedding dress (hypothetically, of course!), because I thought it was glamorous, or because someone I loved did it (although, all of those can be valid starting points!) I knew I needed to fall in love.... to fall so deep that it became a sustaining force, to the point that I wanted to do it for me and me alone.

In short, I need to become the woman that inspires me.

I want to reach deep and prove my mettle.

I want to challenge myself as I've never challenged myself before.

I want to have fun... to do it because it feels good and I enjoy being alone in my own brain.

I want to run for joy and not for time.

I want to get out of my own way and just go.

It is because I feel passionately about these things (you might even say this is my runner's manifesto), that I know this time it will stick. And it is with these principles as my foundation that I stand tall and declare to you:

This is the year of the marathon.

(So excited to see where these take me in 2011!!)